@cameronh1403 my brother-in-law and his spouse did this and then had to deal with the fallout because their parents wanted to have the whole big-ceremony thing :-/

they eventually did it, but it was a big source of family drama for like 6 months

@balrogboogie family drama...bleh..

@cameronh1403 Yeah, this was the plan all along, but there was crying on both sides when we said we were going to do this.

@SuzanEraslan Are they not entertained?!? Oh wait, wrong quote from a movie.

Aren't you an adult? Isn't the partner an adult? Make your own choices and if the parents don't like, tough. Just remind them they raised you that way 😉

But that's just my suggestion.

@cameronh1403 Please see the follow up toots about this. I can’t do that without serious financial, social, and familial consequences at this point. We’re getting married in 22 days.

@SuzanEraslan I saw them. ugh is all I can say

@SuzanEraslan That doesn't mean there isn't a bunch of other stuff that can turn out to be important to you or partner or your families, but most of it doesn't result in not being married.

@artsyhonker I would prefer that we didn’t have to do this at all and that our parents hadn’t cried a bunch when we said we just wanted to elope.

@SuzanEraslan If they want you to have the perfect wedding for them, then they're gonna be butthurt about it whatever happens, because you aren't them. If they want to be there and share in your 'special day's or whatever, they can behave themselves and deal with you doing things your way.

@SuzanEraslan All you really need is the officiant/registrar, the couple, the legally required number of witnesses, and the paperwork. *Everything else* is optional.

Meeting others' expectations is a valid choice too, of course; but I think a lot of conflict happens because people have different ideas of what "wedding" means and get hung up on those details.

@SuzanEraslan I avoided a bunch of the worst conflict by living in another country, it helped a lot because I could basically say "Well, this is how we're doing things" and ignore further e-mails, or "That's an interesting idea, thanks, I'll think about it" and then not do the thing.

@SuzanEraslan But I've been at weddings with the wrong dress or the wrong food or the ring not being ready or whatever and it's... only a big deal if those things are super-important.

The one where the mother of the bride was 90 minutes late and then started getting super upset when the minister wouldn't let her be a witness (because she hadn't been there so couldn't!) was a bit awkward. They still got married though.

@SuzanEraslan I've been at weddings where the legal bit happened at the registry office and then we all went to the pub, because everyone was skint and the couple already had enough things.

@SuzanEraslan The only reason I didn't have a pot luck/bring and share lunch is that I had too many international guests. A friend made my dress and we didn't make a super great fabric choice and it looked unflattering, I wore it anyway. Another friend made the cake and another decorated it, badly. I planted sweet peas thinking to decorate with those in their pots but a week before the wedding they got mildew so I spent £100 on cut flaars at a market. Still got married.

@artsyhonker Yeah, all of your advice is kind but not actually helpful. I didn’t want to get married in the first place— my partner just has excellent health insurance, so it seemed like a good idea. So “You’ll still end up married at the end” is actually not soothing information, but a reminder that I’m doing everything I don’t want to do to... do something I don’t want to do. I just wanted to hopefully not die if I have a serious medical issue.

@SuzanEraslan I wish you didn't have to do this to get good insurance. That does suck, and I didn't mean to exacerbate it. Thoughtless of me.

I hope you find a way to have it be as much your own choice as possible, if that will make it more bearable.

@oreolek If I knew, I would absolutely tell you. I’m very Bad at Getting Married.

@SuzanEraslan @oreolek seems like you are not the only one.

Typical reasons people got married from what I've heard:

- the other partner had better citizenship
- tax benefits
- one of the partners being pregnant

Insurance seems to fit the pattern.

Family pressure typically added on top.

Sad:/

@saper @oreolek Yeeeeup. All of this. Like, I know that marriage is a social, economic, and political contract, and that sucks (but here we are in 2018 with married couples still benefiting from privileges that others don’t), and that this is part of what I was buying into by agreeing to do it, but I kind of wish we’d actually found a way to sidestep all the mess like we wanted to do.

@SuzanEraslan @oreolek well, so to say, wish you ... luck. you'll need lots

@SuzanEraslan

sorry for that, that was not my intention.

@SuzanEraslan Argh, so sorry.

@SuzanEraslan

@jessmahler Now *that* is some helpful advice. ❤️

@SuzanEraslan Hope it gets better!

@dumpling Thank you! I just need to keep reminding myself that it will be over in 22 days.

@SuzanEraslan And after that you might be able to celebrate your freedom from the planning exactly as you like!

@SuzanEraslan sorry. Will read whole timeline before commenting in future.

@pmosetc No, it’s ok! You actually said something that made me feel better.

@SuzanEraslan I'm glad!

Yeah, I got really tired of people telling me how I should feel and what I should want and talking about my nerves. 🙄

FIY, for those who haven't actually had a wedding, when you're 22 days out, you can't just say, "Eff it, we're going to City Hall and grabbing two friends to be our witnesses!" (which, yes, was our first plan and what we wanted to do) without serious financial, social, and familial ramifications. Plane tickets have been purchased. Deposits that are now non-refundable have been made. Friends have been invited. Dresses have been purchased (not just mine, but other people's).

I'm complaining because I am stressed out and I am about the last person on earth who should have to take on something like this, no matter how low key it is by comparison to other people's weddings. I have serious ADHD, am a freelancer, and trying to schedule the time and the spoons to deal with this is like dumping my silverware drawer in the floor every morning.

@SuzanEraslan But you *want* to do it, right?

@saper I want to be married. I don't want to *get* married. If that makes sense?

@SuzanEraslan Kind of ;) So I think you are not in a bad situation. There are people who want to "get" married, and things after that need to somehow work out. I was just baffled by this insurance thing!

In that case, seems like some good logistic support and a sane friend might help.

@saper I mean, I don't want to be married in the philosophical sense-- I hate the concept of marriage (a contract with the state that confirms the validity of one's partnership is BS), but I'm good with the choosing this person part. Were it not for the whole health insurance thing (hooray, American health care system) I wouldn't do it at all, but I love and enjoy my partner and had already, long ago, committed to this being a permanent thing.

@SuzanEraslan Having gone through my own lo these many years ago, I remember the stress all too well. But it'll have been worth it (I say that even as someone who eventually got divorced)

@filkerdave A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, awww, thanks, Dave. Yeah, I've actually heard this from a bunch of my divorced friends-- that the wedding itself was delightful, and that they really enjoyed it.

@SuzanEraslan Think of it as cooking. The prep sucks. Mise en place is tedious. Most of the cooking is dull. But at the end of it, you have an amazing meal that you enjoy.

And a little early, but I wish you and your partner every happiness on the day!

@filkerdave Oh, wow, this is the PERFECT metaphor for me. I love cooking, but the chopping and the washing grit out of leafy veggies and everything is the WORST.

@SuzanEraslan Glad to help brighten your day!

@SuzanEraslan Oh, I did not realise it was that soon! That makes some of my earlier comments even more unhelpful, I should not have assumed the context of a longer timeframe.

I hope everything that needs to goes smoothly for the next three weeks and one day.

@artsyhonker Thank you! Yeah, we actually dug in our heels as long as we could on "No, we're not doing anything" until the parental whining became so obnoxious that we were like, "FINE, you can come to City Hall and we will have a small party."

All the dangling offers "help out" before we finally signed contracts suddenly became much less significant when we were told an actual dollar amount, so we ended up pulling a contract at one place for another, cheaper one.

@artsyhonker Which will end up being more fun, but also meant that we literally sent out invitations, via email, exactly 4 weeks before the event. I still don't have a head count, and I told people they had until April 10th, but now I'm kicking myself for not being like, "Tell me tomorrow or don't come."

@SuzanEraslan Oof. And then, because you've already spent a bunch of money, it gets really hard to solve other problems by throwing money at them. So the planning is stressful and so is crapitalism, but crapitalism is part of why you are doing this to start with. I'd be stressed too.

@artsyhonker EXACTLY. Yes, this is it exactly. It's like, this was a choice we made in order to save money in the longterm-- my partner doesn't really care about marriage one way or the other and was resigned to the fact that I am staunchly against the concept of a contract with the state validating my partnership-- but now it's like, "Hey, all the $ you'll save on meds for the next 3-4 years? Yeah, get ready to spend it in a day!"

@SuzanEraslan I promise, the chill options exist. :)

@pmosetc THANK YOU. I really appreciate someone who has actually been through this (and had the exact same number of people we’re having!) offering some support.

Like, yeah, I would love to do nothing, but we’re 3.5 weeks out— ditching everything at this point results in lost deposits, angry family who have made travel arrangements, friends who would need explanations as to their canceled invites, etc.

@emily That's the thing I think that bothers me the most, is that it suddenly feels like people I don't want involved in my relationship (his parents, whom I don't particularly like, to put it mildly, for example) are now influencing this day that's supposedly "about us." Like... no, it's now about THEM.

@SuzanEraslan
Exactly. It's really hard.

In case you're interested, Captain Awkward (blog/advice column) has written a lot of posts dealing with family/wedding/drama. But if you just need sympathy, here's mine!