vent 

i know almost nobody in any of my online spheres follows me here, so this is probably the best space to do this.

nobody ever initiates conversation with me. this has been a problem my whole life but i just kind of recognized it's still happening. nobody ever asks to talk to me, or asks how i'm doing, or even really shows they give a shit unless they ask. it fucking sucks.

vent 

my self-worth is already really fucking shaky and i'm growing convinced that nobody has any real desire to talk to me in person, so i REALLY do not need this social isolation online, too. i'm constantly led to believe that i do not mean as much to others as they mean to me, and that fucking hurts. what about me is so undesirable? what about me makes me just a constant, someone who talks to you without you having to worry about, like, being a friend back.

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vent 

it's my fault, i know that. if it weren't my fault it wouldn't keep fucking happening. if it weren't my fault i wouldn't have to keep trying harder and harder to stay relevant for the few people i THINK still give a shit. i just. god. what's wrong with me. i don't fucking know. what i do know is that it's such a rarity for any of my friends to message me before i message them that i'm always surprised when it happens; and, of course, when it does, it's always for a specific purpose.

vent 

nobody is ever really interested in, like, how i'm doing! nobody just checks in, unless i say something on social media that sets off the alarms, then a couple people will shoot me a message out of fucking pity. that sucks MORE. i don't want people to feel guilty for not talking to me, be it because of forgetfulness or just some quirk i have that makes talking to me just insufferable enough to be not worth saying hello. i just want to feel, like, loved by my friends? sometimes?

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vent 

i don't want it to seem like i sound ungrateful for the attention i DO get from my friends, because there is some, but like. i don't know. i try really hard to show i care and i feel like nobody else does, and i can't even blame them, because, like, fuck, i don't know EXACTLY what sets off the fucking weirdo alarm, but i could probably write up a list! i'm not going to, because even in this shitty faux emotional state i can tell that's just self-harm, but god do i fucking want to.

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vent 

this sucked and just made me feel worse. i'm probably just being a whiny dysphoric little bitch who just wants a fucking hug and is going on a tirade against herself just because. gonna go back to curling up around a pillow and either thinking horrible things about myself or just fantasizing about, like, being wanted

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